Shadae

I have no idea where this is going, if it even is going or if it is already gone but im being patient (maybe even stupid) but i know the time will come when i wont care so much anymore and everything that use to hurt so bad will just be a thing of the past. 

I cant believe i came home a few days ago to find a new girl in my room, bags on the floor. i swore my heart skipped a beat cuz i knew it was what i was fearing the most. Sigh of all the places in the whole block i had to get another roommate. So now we are 4 in this tiny ass stupid space. Im trying really hard not to be a bitch to this girl but having her here is driving me crazy. i really wish there was some way i could live by myself. I hate this place more and more each day i hope i could close my eyes and its time to go home.

Have you ever liked someone, even though you know there would be a good chance you two would never last? But you just want to try. To be with them for as long as possible, until that one day comes and you two don’t even acknowledge each others existence anymore. You go all the way back to square one, as strangers, but with a history. All those memories and moments can’t be erased, and they’ll always be there, reminding you about a person who was once your everything.

All of a sudden im feeling very emotional and feelings that i have suppressing for a while now are beginning to crawl their way to the surface. Is there ever such a thing as true love? Why do i love love but love hates me? Im feeling the need to cuddle and kiss and be loved but not sure if i want to love cuz i dont want to commit and fall for anyone cuz i know it will end with my heart being shattered. So here i am alone and lonely wishing i could have what i cant get, rejecting what i can have and refusing to accept a compromise. What a wonderful thing this stupid love is (sarcastic tone)

blackgirlinrussia:

Everyone’s experience is different, but not really. If you’re black you’re going to get stares at the very least. As a female my experience is quite a bit different. Walking while black in Russia is a gendered activity so I’m going to focus primarily on the female experience. The first time I came to Russia, and I mean starting from customs, I was at the center of attention. I’m going to digress already. I hate when white people tell me that it must be cool that you are so “popular” or try to compare my experiences with their white family or friends who got their hair lovingly petted in some exotic country. Sometimes they even have a bitter tone of voice when talking to me about it. No, it is not nice and it does not make me feel special! I feel uncomfortable and even frightened sometimes because I never know when that attention can turn aggressive. Anyway…

I got stares. I got laughter. I got comments from “chocolate girl” to “wazzup” to “I love Obama”…well, a lot of strange things yelled at me from car windows or the street. I haven’t heard a racist slur hurled at me but that could be because my Russian wasn’t so great and I have selective hearing and now that I’m so used to being in Russia I notice even less. At this point I only care about whether I’m threatened or not. If it’s not a threatening situation I keep it moving. And the picture taking. Everyone wants a picture. Well, if your camera doesn’t cost a million dollars and I’m not being featured in a magazine I don’t want my picture taken. In Kazan, I actually asked for money and got it. Business at it’s best. Supply and demand. I’m still probably in a lot of vkontakte and fb albums. I didn’t have enough middle fingers to stop all the pictures. If there was a really cute kid sometimes I had to relent and let them take a picture. Most of the irksome picture taking comes from Central Asians who don’t ask but try to take a pic. 

I’m exotified. I had a drunk guy in Kazan give a speech on the Soviet Union while I was with my two guy friends and then at the end ask if I would have sex with him. No. Always no unless your Naomi Campbell’s boyfriend. 

This is my third time in Russia and I’ve thrown precaution to the wind only in regards to my appearance. I dyed my hair red and I have a nose ring and various other piercings (on my ear). My thinking was they stare at me anyway…Surprisingly, I get less attention this time around, maybe because I’m so different they don’t know what to do, but I think it’s because I live in the center and I don’t go outside as much. I also walk a little husky, wear large metal rings and act like I’m on an important mission when I’m walking alone. Still, I know if I were a guy my experience would be different. However, I am still very alert and whenever I get back home to Philly I notice my heart rate and blood pressure going down and a physical sigh coming from my body. I’m on edge constantly, especially when I spend so much time talking to people who have been through some not so nice things here. I was a little naive coming here the first time in that while there isn’t a skinhead lurking in every corner, nasty things still go down, but I was in my American bubble. But even my American bubble didn’t keep me from being alert and constantly aware of my position as a black person. My white peers were oblivious to these types of things. For example, when you call me at 1 AM and tell me to come and party with you I’m going to say no. Always. I’m not walking while black alone at 1 am in the morning in Russia. First of all, no one should do that but that’s another story.

People want to talk to me. I usually pretend not to speak Russian. People still try to pass out weird pamphlets to me. I’m so used to ignoring requests for conversation that once while with my Russian roommate she asked me why I didn’t stop to talk to that cute Russian guy who said hi. Well…because of why he said hi. I have no idea if someone is interested in me or my passport or my “exotic” appearance. I don’t have time for that. So I kept it moving.

People ask me where I’m from. Someone said he thought I was from Angola. I thought that was cool. But when I say I’m American they get a weird look in their face. A mixture of surprise and excitement. Not sure how to describe it. The next question is what are you doing here. I don’t like talking about my research so I end up saying studying or working. When I say I’m working I end up blurting out for the American government and they ask what exactly and there’s this awkward pause like “I’ll have to kill you if I tell you” and they let it go. So a few people probably think I’m a spy. (I’m not a spy) 

What else happens while walking…Well, babushkas get startled, and one time an officer nodded at me, and men smirk, and young kids laugh or just stare. Other black people get the nod and acknowledgement at the very least. Sometimes I accost them and ask about their life. I mean that’s why I’m here. I met a girl who was labor trafficked and didn’t really know she was trafficked. It was sad I couldn’t help her. Dudes think I like them when I talk to them, but I really just want their life story. 

To sum it up, walking while a black female in Russia comes with its problems. And I bet you’re expecting the “but, it’s not that bad” to follow the first line. Well, no I won’t say that. Some people deal with the attention, comments, and other situations better than others, but I will never accept another “get over it” comment from anyone. I hate that. And if you say that to me I will destroy you with my eyes as it is too cold here to use my hands.

Peace and mir for now.

navamon:

Here is the list of potential career paths or specialties that medical students can think about before applying for residency. 

Anesthesiology- specializes in administering medications and other agents to prevent or relieve pain during surgery.

Child Neurology- specializes in brain disorders in children.

Dermatology- concerns with diagnosing and treating skin disorders.

Emergency Medicine- cares for patients with acute illnesses or injuries that require immediate medical attention.

Family Medicine- consists ofprimary care physicians.

Internal Medicine- deals with nonsurgical illnesses of internal organs for mostly adults. It also has many subspecialties such as cardiology, gastroenterology, oncology, etc.

Medical Genetics- diagnoses and manages hereditary disorders. 

Neurodevelopmental Disabilities- specializes in those with neurodevelopmental disabilities.

Neurological Surgery- involves brain surgeries.

Neurology- specializes in brain disorders.

Nuclear Medicine- utilizes radioactive substances to diagnose and treat diseases.

Obstetrics-Gynecology- consists of experts for pregnancy and women’s health.

Ophthalmology- expertises in eye disorders.

Orthopedic Surgery- is a branch of surgery related to musculoskeletal systems.

Otolaryngology- relates to diagnosis and treatment of ear and throat.

Pathology- deals with lab examination of body tissue samples for diagnostic or forensic purposes.

Pediatrics- specializes in illnesses in children.

Pediatrics/Child Psychiatry- involves mental health of kids.

Physical Medicine & Rehabilitation- aims to improve or restore the functions of physical disabilities.

Plastic Surgery- concerns alterations, corrections, and restorations of form and functions. 

Preventative Medicine- emphasizes on preventing a disease rather than treating patients’ symptoms. 

Psychiatry- specializes in mental health of adults.

Radiation Oncology- relates to treatment of cancer using radiation therapy.

Radiology- Diagnostic- uses various imaging tools to diagnose diseases.

Surgery- deals with operations and instrumental techniques on patients to investigate or treat pathological conditions. It has many subspecialties.

Thoracic Surgery- focuses on operations of the heart, lungs, esophagus and other organs in the chest. 

Urology- concerns urinary tracts disorders.

Vascular Surgery- is a branch of surgery regarding operations of arteries and veins.

Feel free to add more specialties you can think of to the list.

The stupid thing bout me that i cant seem to get rid of. Sighhhh

Looking for the moral behind our sanitary practicals…i guess its to teach humbleness…to be honest i have no idea but whats the point in complaining i believe that which doesn’t kill u only makes u stronger.

Of course my luck i had to get a hospital that’s far away from campus so my day started with my 6:30 alarm so that i can get out of the block by 7:00 (well that was the plan until my friend decided to sleep through her alarm and i had to wait on her for almost 30 minutes which required that i run everywhere trying not to be too late) then its a bus to the metro 8 stops then cross metro lines and another 5 stops exit the metro then a bus from the metro followed by a nice walk to the hospital. i have to be there by 8:30 to start working.

So today started out just super (sarcastic voice) traveled all that distance got lost a few times then couldnt find the building im assigned to. after finally finding the place im told we are going to b doing sanitary work. so i spent my day cleaning the sanitary room and then cleaning the rooms of patients which included cleaning tables chairs bathroom and wiping the floor. I felt so (not sure of the word i want to describe that feeling) but it was super hard cuz i had trouble maneuvering the mop which is literally a flat board on a stick and a piece of cloth that i had to remove wash and replace every feet wipes. It was so frustrating!!! at the end of my first day i was so tired and my feet and back were killing me i could hardly make it home.

Like i said before of course we r 1st course and don’t have much training but couldnt u give us some cotton to roll or shelves to pack or something anything. i really dont see how cleaning the floor is going to make me a good doctor. my mother already thought me about cleaning and i can do it just fine. sigh

ah well im heading to bed now since i gotta be up early again tomorrow travel the distance put on my nice clean lab coat and get down to cleaning the floor dwl….the best life ever

I cant believe i just sat for a whole hr on tumblr reading posts about med students and med sch when i shud b studying. I swear my attention span is at 0 when it comes to school work but 100 for everything else siiggggghhhhh i really dont understand how i ended up in med sch because i dont have the right study habits to make it here. I totally cant wait for the semester to be over which wont be until another 2 weeks and then a month or practicals. ONE WHOLE MONTH!!!! when am i going to get time to rest and relax my mind and feel like a normal person?

Im hoping the time passes quickly but so scared cuz i am so far from being prepared for my upcoming exams which actually start on monday and im here laying in bed with my book open but all my attention on the computer. This has been one of the hardest years of my life and by the look of things it will only get harder in second year. I so wish i was home studying in my native language i know it would b hard but not as hard as this. well im already here so i just gotta do what i gotta do and tackle the work like i love. So i gotta tell myself that this will all b worth it soon and russian is just as easy as english so i can do it.

Definitely coming offline now so i can focus on my studies….